Disclaimer: I hope you can hear the humor and love in my tone with this one. If you’ve said any of these things to me in the past, truly you’re forgiven. I’ve made these mistakes myself before I knew what it was like to be on the receiving end. Now I know. And you will too. Go forth and no longer drive your indie author friends nuts.
- “I found a typo on page 53.”
Okay, just kidding, I actually WANT to hear this. Really. Many authors begin a “Second Edition Wish List” the day after they’ve gone to press. It’s the way of things. When it comes to typos, there’s always “the one that got away.”
Here’s the caveat: Please do not inform me of your discovery during a book-signing, at a restaurant, in a grocery checkout, or at a party. I don’t have my computer with me, and chances are we’ll write this little insight on a cocktail napkin, which I will tuck in my pants pocket, which will get tossed in the laundry that night.
Here’s what you can do instead:
Yes, tell me you found a typo. Tell me in an email or snail mail a note to my business address. Your edit-catch really will get added to my Second Edition Wish List.
- “Your work is so professional!”
Oh man, this is rough, but when these words come out of your mouth, here’s what your author friend hears: I know you from my hometown and always thought you were a hack; I’m surprised your work is any good at all!
I’ve lived off my writing for 20 years. As a natural health ghostwriter, I’ve had clients in Europe, Asia, and Africa, as well as in the United States and Canada. I’ve coached, edited, and co-written survival memoir and historical fiction for clients throughout the U.S. I’ve worked with best-selling authors as well as unknown writers with incredible stories to share. I give my all to every project.
Apparently I have adequate skills because I keep receiving new clients through agency connections and word-of-mouth. Generally I’m booked 6 to 12 months out. I sure hope I’ve qualified as a professional writer by now.
Here’s what you can say instead. Get specific. What exactly did you like and how did it affect you? Something like:
“I have a relative who had a similar experience, and your book helped me understand her better.”
“I love how you balance hard survival material with lighter moments of compassion and humor.”
“Your book showed me a historic perspective I’d never even heard of before.”
- Why isn’t your book in Barnes & Noble yet?
Because Barnes & Noble does not talk to local authors. It may not be their written policy, but it is their functional one. Emails, calls, and visits from regional authors are shelved, delayed, ignored. Standard operating procedure. And I totally get it. If my local B&N did provide space for every regional indie author, they’d have to double in size and maintain a whole wing full of product that never sells. Cold hard truth.
The only way an indie book gets into B&N (or Costco, or your big food mart, or the book stores at the airport, or even your local indie book seller) is if FANS call or visit the book purchaser and recommend it. Lots of fans. Over and over. For months. That is the litmus test that all book sellers use. Grassroots lobbying is the ONLY factor that will budge them on this. FYI, it usually takes all of ten minutes to help.
So why is my book not in B&N yet?
Because an enthusiastic fan hasn’t led the charge yet.
Here’s what you can say and do instead:
“Is your book in Barnes & Noble yet? No? Do you have a promotional packet I can give to their buyer?”
Better yet….
“Do you have 10 promotional packets that my friends and I can drop off at B&N over the next 3 months?”
- “This book should be a movie. Aren’t you, like, on the phone every day talking to everyone you know in L.A.?”
That would be fabulous. But I’m a writer, a member of a strange clan of people who really prefer to spend hours and hours a day scrawling, pondering, and typing. Alone. I don’t know anyone in L.A. and have no plans to move there and change that. I’d welcome a film offer, but I’m not pursuing it because…
- I have no connections in L.A. Bummer.
- I’m too busy working on my next book and paid-client projects.
Movie deals are all about who you know, and who vouches for you. Re-read #3 above, and think of those word-of-mouth factors on steroids. Based on multiple consultations with publishing industry experts, I’ve learned that my best chance at a screenplay offer for Don’t Say Anything to Anybody (Hanisch & Yearman, 2017) is if I: Finish my next manuscript; market that new manuscript and Yearman’s memoir to a Publisher in a multi-book contract; and have the Publisher negotiate screen rights through their own connections.
Unless… the who-you-know factor kicks in first, and some fine Someone shares my book with a famous screen writer…
What you can say instead:
“I bought a copy of your book as a gift for my great-nephew’s former college roommate who is now a famous screen writer. He really wants to talk to you. Can I share your contact info?”
Seriously. Unless you’re able to say something like that, this topic is off limits.
- “I’ve loaned my copy of your book to all my family and friends, and they all love it!”
Stab me in the heart. Do you understand that you’ve just said, “I like your work so much that I stole it repeatedly”? It doesn’t help that it’s always the sweetest person who says this. It leaves me wanting to shout obscenities and sucker-punch… A silver-haired grandmother of ten, a guy who volunteers regularly at the food bank, a pastor, a rabbi, a Buddhist teacher. It’s that bad. Every subculture has embraced the ubiquitous pleasure of art theft.
Here’s the math if you’re still not catching the gist. Every time you loan your copy of a book (or a CD or thumbnail drive full of music or scan of someone’s painting), the indie artist who made that art misses out on a potential sale.
The only way I get to eat is when my book sells. Period.
No, I don’t buy the “free advertising” argument. When was the last time someone loaned you a book (or album), you enjoyed it, and then you bought a copy for yourself? It’s exceedingly rare that this happens with indie works. It does happen with already famous authors with extensive catalogues already in existence. (i.e. – A friend loans you a James Patterson book, you get hooked on him as an author and start buying all his other books.) It plain ‘don’t happen’ that way with indie authors.
Here’s what you can say (and do) instead:
“I love your book so much, I bought gift copies for half a dozen friends and family. They all love it, and they’re telling all their friends to buy it off Amazon and Kindle.”
“And we’re all writing Amazon reviews for you.”
“Believable 4- and 5-star reviews.”
If you’re doing that, please let me know. You are a lovely human being and I should at least send you some chocolate. And a gift card to your favorite bookstore.